So now that I have utterly villified dating & perhaps left some of you stinging, where do we go from here? First, a big THANK YOU for reading this second part post! If you have not yet read Part 1, copy & paste this link to do so,
before reading this post...please :o) http://striving2baproverbs31woman.blogspot.com/2013/02/humpty-dumpty-avoiding-heartbreak.html
I'm going to address 4 things in this post: Why should we be so protective over our hearts & of falling in love? What does God say about love, readiness for it & how to pursue it? What should true love look like? What is the alternative to dating; a godly way to seek a mate?
Why should we be so protective of our hearts & falling in love?
*Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart for out of it flows the springs of life."
I want you to think about a well. For those of us who live way out in the country this is still our source for water. The water in our well is fresh, cold, & endless. There are times when the well water can become polluted or contaminated...times when it becomes unsafe to drink. What's worst is that very seldom do you know your water is bad until you're already drinking it. Your heart is much the same. The love within is endless & pure, but it can become tainted by hurt. After a while of unhealthy love, of false love being poured in...the heart becomes jaded, scarred, skeptical, & cynical. We often do not realize that our hearts are being corrupted in that way until the damage has already been done. The hurt within your heart impacts your entire life...the things you do, the way you act, the decisions you make. Abba admonishes us to protect it, to guard it...becomes the very essence of who we are stems from it. He wants us to not even allow the opportunity for our hearts to become tainted. The scripture says, 'above all else'. The protection of our love is of paramount importance...this alone shows that the casual, trivial way that the world treats relationships is out of line with God's plan. We should be vigilant & cautious when it comes to matters of the heart...not jumping blindly into love & relationships...that's the quickest way to get hurt.
What does God say about love: readiness for it, & how to pursue it?
* Song of Solomon 2:7 "Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe-and you're ready"
*2 Timothy 2:22 "So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, & peace with those who call on the Lord with a pure heart."
*2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
*1 Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality..."
*1 Corinthians 15:33 "Do not be deceived
*Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father & mother & hold fast to his wife, & they shall become one flesh."
Scripture, specific as to how to pursue a romantic relationship (at least to my knowledge) does not exist. We can historically go over the customs of the biblical time period, but beyond that when the Bible talks about intimate love it goes hand & hand with marriage...there's not much 'how to' described in getting there...beyond the admonitions for sexual abstinence & purity before (& in marriage). The verse from 2 Timothy does encourage us to not 'pursue' passion but to focus on righteousness. We can deduce that it's then not something that should consume us...we should be far more concerned with deepening our faith. We know from 2 Corinthians that our partner in life should be like us...a believer...a true believer. Many these days say they believe, but the evidence of their lives tells a different tale. As a single you should only consider a fellow believer as an option for mate. Song of Solomon...a wildly passionate & indeed controversial book because of that, admonishes the young ones to 'not excite love or stir it up, until the time is ripe-& you're ready." It's not something to toy with...certainly not before you're ready...so how do you know when you are ready for love.
Men: Are you spiritually independent & growing in your faith? Could you provide for a wife? For children? Are you spiritually ready to lead your wife...to be the head of your household. Do you feel confident in your decision making? Do you know how to do the handy-man type of tasks the come up constantly in a household? Are you ready to set aside yourself...your likes, your hobbies, your interests, your wants & to put someone else first? If the answer is no, then you're not ready.
Women: Are you spiritually independent & growing in your faith? Do you understand biblical submission? Do you know how to care for a house? How to budget & be frugal? Are you comfortable taking care of children? Are you ready to set aside your self...your likes, your hobbies, your interests, your wants & to put someone else first? If the answer is no then you are not ready. I
wholeheartedly believe that it is vital to understand what is required to be ready for a relationship & to truthfully acknowledge if you are indeed ready. If you answered no, then the next step is to begin preparing...begin learning to take care of a home, babysit, help your mom budget. Start giving up those diva like qualities that might exist. Begin studying scripture that describes a godly wife...start becoming that woman NOW. Men, take leadership, pursue your faith, become financially stable...begin saving or investing in future financial demands. Learn handyman skills. Start giving up the Wii & Xbox. Begin studying scripture that describes God's role for the husband...start becoming that man NOW.
What should true love look like?
*1 Corinthians 13:4-7 'Love is patient & kind; it does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
*Song of Solomon 8:6-7 "Set me like a seal upon your heart, like a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy is as hard & as cruel as Sheol (the place of the dead). It's flashes are flashes of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it."
*John 15:13 'Greater love has no man than this that he would lay down his life for his friends."
True love is
Agape, that is a Greek word that describes not "love" the
feeling but 'love'
in action. It describes loving someone even when it isn't easy. It is selfless love. That's love God's way. All of the scriptures above describe this intense, passionate,unconditional, righteous, selfless emotion...but it is far more than a feeling...it's a choice. Those of us who have been married for awhile know that once the whimsical excitement wears off & the real world sets in, love becomes about a whole lot more than a giddy feeling...it becomes a conscious choice to serve our mate...to honor, respect, cherish, & give to them. True love very seldom resembles that wild emotion described in novels & chick flicks...that is a fleeting thing that will leave you wanting. True love is the immersing of 2 lives into 1.
What's the alternative to dating? A godly way to seek a mate?
*Courtship/ Intentional Dating
Call it what you will...I use the term courtship, others call it intentional dating because that doesn't sound as 'out there'...either way it's a process for determining compatibility with the goal of marriage. The easiest way I know to explain it is in a step by step process. The precursor to this is that both parties (young man, young woman) have an open & honest relationship with their parents or chosen parental figures. Parents & children will both understand this process & their role in it.
Scenario: Guy likes a girl & wants to 'court'/date her.
Step 1: Guy expresses his interest to girl. Something like, "I really enjoy spending time with you, think we have a lot in common, & would like to get to know you better to see if there is potential there." (Both parties understand that 'potential' means potential to marry)
Step 2: Girl sets up a meeting between the guy & her dad (or father/parental figure). Before this meeting girl discusses with her parents her feelings about this guy: Does she feel the same or not. Dad meets with guy...asks questions to determine his readiness to potentially marry in the near future. If girl is not interested, dad tells guy that the courtship is not something he feels that they are ready for...end of story. If the girl is interested & passes dad's test, then dad lays down the courtship ground rules (I'll outline those after this process).
Step 3: Girl & Guy begin spending time with one another. This is always in a public and/or chaperoned environment. Private conversation is limited. Most 'dates' are with one another's family or in group setting...this allows family & friends to observe interaction between the couple & to bring to awareness any red flags that cause concern. Time together is fun, but intentional, the couple has serious conversations (calling on life, children, career, & etc). Time should be spent praying with each other, reading Bible, going to church together...beginning to practice roles (guy spiritual leader, girl submitting)
Step 4: After some time passes (I'll also explain courtship timeline below) the couple meets with both sets of parents & determines the direction of the courtship.If the couple feels as though emotions are not progressing, courtship ends & friendship resumes. If the couple feels that love is forming, then they express intent to become engaged Boy gets girl pretty ring, gets down on one knee, has a romantic proposal.
Step 5: Premarital counseling & preparations begin. Wedding plans get made. No time wasted. Couple begins making firm plans (finding a home, & etc).
Step 6: Guy & Girl get hitched!
Ground Rules for Courtship:
1. Don't enter courtship with someone you do not already know well: a courtship should consist of a guy & girl who already know the essentials: are you a believer with living & active faith, do you want marriage & a family, are you ready (wrote about that above) to be a spouse, & etc...before ever starting this process...indeed that's what should warrant the interest in one another. The couple should have quite a bit of knowledge before beginning the journey.
2. Determine in advance with parents what is the boundary for physical contact (hand holding, arms around one another, kissing, etc). Dad lets guy know the boundary & neither boy nor girl flirts with the boundary. Establishing this from the get go is important.
3. All 'dates' are either with chaperon couple/ group setting/or with family...some time might be spent off to selves but still within eyesight. Abstinence is a given in a godly premarital relationship...it's imperative not to place oneself in temptation. It's also important for those who know & love the couple to see how they interact with one another...they will be the first to see any warning signs.
4. Couple must respect & discuss any red flags raised. A big part of courtship is discerning if or if not this is the person you should spend your life with...the people who love you & know you best will help with that discernment...they have an objective perspective that can see through the haze of emotion. Red flags are a good chance to begin strong communication & arguing skills...but any issues that can't be overcome result in the ending of relationship.
5. Irreconcilable Red Flags = End of Courtship. Any concerns that occur at any point during the courtship that lead either guy or girl, or parents to feel uncomfortable with the continuing relationship need to result in the halting of the relationship.
6. The goal is always in mind. Courtship is always intentional. A couple can have fun while still truly getting to know one another. The whole point of courtship is not just for someone to hang out with, have fun with, flirt with, etc...it's to find your life's partner. Every date, every conversation bears that in the back of the mind.
Timeline of a Courtship: Approximately 1 Year from Start to Finish
Starting point: Decision between guy & girl (& parents) to enter courtship
Courting period: 3-4 months (some say 6 months): at the end of 3-4 months a couple should know whether or not the courtship should end or progress to the next step. Those are the only 2 options. Step back or move forward.In secular dating couples are often together for years...then live together...before deciding that they aren't a match. They seldom practice abstinence & the resulting breakup is very similar to divorce. Courtship avoids all of that because it is intentional. The 3-4 months courting are spent determining whether the match works or not.
Engagement: 6-9 months (max): The couple (& parents) has already determined that they are committed to the forming of a covenant...there's no reason to waste time. The couple is refraining from physical intimacy & there is a respect & urgency to make them one. Wedding plans begin, couple starts looking for a home, & making a life plan (where to live, vision for future, children, & etc).
End Point: Covenant Marriage Approximately 1 Year later
I hope that everything I have outlined & described makes sense...if not please let me know & I can attempt to better explain. I also hope that Courtship now stands out as a better alternative to dating...that it gives you hope in the prospect of finding a godly spouse. My prayer is that we as a culture would embrace this as the way we teach & expect relationships to be viewed & pursued. As I said scripture is limited when it comes to dating...because God's vision is marriage. The idea of courtship is not something that I came up with, but an age old tradition that is being renewed in the Christian circle. Many well known & deeply respected leaders of the faith advocate for this practice, & I wholeheartedly join them in that. My prayer is that love will find you...on God's terms. Be Blessed!
