Bless you for opening up Part 2! Don't give up on me! Now that we have brought to light the dirty business that comes with confronting a lack of submission, let's talk of the blessings that flow within a godly marriage.
As I said I have been in the position of one who shirked the idea of submission. I only began to grasp the concept & see the distorted way the world presents the idea when I went through a season of singleness. One day I literally made up a list of what I wanted in a man & I was shocked to realize that despite my feminist mindset & actions, my heart desired a man to lead me. Slowly the wheels in my head began turning & bit by bit I discovered that the essence of who I was & what I wanted did not resemble the feminist agenda I had bought into. I wanted to be cared for, treasured, protected. I wanted to be provided for & guided. I wanted to be challenged in my faith & to have someone to push me in spiritual growth. To be honest I wanted a knight in shining armor, Prince Charming, or Super Man, & I realized there was nothing wrong with that. For years I had tried to hide my innate desires & ambitions of being a homemaker, a wife, & a mother. I felt unambitious for wanting my home to be my career & that thought was validated by disappointed comments & glares by others when I voiced those desires. As I read the Word & discovered God's plan for marriage it all became clear. God created me to be a feminine, nurturing, emotional woman. He created me to be the heart of the home. The force that made it a welcoming, loving, thriving environment for my future family. My whole life I had bought into the lie that I had to be a strong, independent, successful woman...standards that are measured by a sin-filled world. God began to reveal the character & integrity my future husband should have. He defined my role & his.
I was right to want my knight in shining armor, my prince, & my super hero! I stand before you today having found that man! My John is such a profound, undeserved blessing in my life! Right before I met him I committed myself to the transformation from feminist to feminine. I began to make those changes & upon meeting Mr. Wonderful I quickly realized that this was indeed God's plan. I approached my relationship/engagement/ & marriage to John with the knowledge that he was the leader of our relationship. To my surprise I found that submission was not oppressive but in fact freeing. As newly weds & then as first time parents we felt a calling for me to remain home with our daughter. Money was tight & we both balked at the thought of it being even tighter without my income. For several months we discussed our options and prayed for direction. One day my husband came to me & told me that it was his duty to provide for our family, that one way or another he would, but that the burden of provision was no longer upon my shoulders. I would stay home with our daughter (#2 was on the way) no matter what. Since that day John has always provided & so has the Lord! There has always been enough, & I wholeheartedly believe that is because John submitted to God's calling & I submitted to John's leadership. Submission did not just come naturally to me. Early on in our relationship & in our marriage I embarrassed my husband, hurt his feelings, & offended him by acting against his wishes, publicly disagreeing with him, or even by doing opposite of what he wished. On countless occasions I danced around the submission issue by just going ahead & doing something or making decisions without asking his opinion or discussing it first. Sisters, none of these things has ever turned out well. It always ends in the realization that I have broken the mold & skewed the design the Lord intended.
In just under a month we will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary...still there are times when I struggle to cast off the old mindset, but daily I am blessed by fruits that have come from a submissive heart. John is the head of our household. Collaboratively we discuss decisions, budgets, discipline, & etc. but ultimately I trust that through prayer & wisdom he will reach the right decision. My input, opinions, & feelings matter to my husband. My knowledge & expertise are valuable to him. I never doubt that he takes those things into great consideration. In the last 5 years I have watched him grow and mature into an incredible man of faith. I have seen him single handily save our family from hardships. I have felt safe & protected as he stays up to monitor weather during storms, or to search the house because I "heard something". Every day I watched him nurture, woo, entertain, & meet the needs of 4 women (me & our 3 daughters). Never does he put upon me his responsibilities. Never does he expect me to fill in the gaps for whatever is lacking in any area of our lives. I know that John is a great man because he seeks after God's heart, but I also know that part of his growth is due to the fact that I respect him & that I embrace his position & leadership. I am willing to be led, & I have full faith that he can & will do it well. Submission does not oppress me, it has given me great freedom! I am free to be the heart of our home, to focus my energy on our children,& to pursue my faith. I am free to be emotional. I am free to be weak. I am free to be fearful. I do not have to be a strong, independent, callous woman. I can be feminine. Godly, biblical submission is a blessing & everyday I discover more & more why God designed marriage this way.
Originally as I began to pursue my quest of a submissive heart, I was a bit confused as to whether or not I was dominate or submissive, & perhaps you are too. Here is a quick question that reveals a lot about who wears the pants in your relationship: When you go places together, who drives the car? If you do what are your reasons? Do you hate not having control of the car? Do you not trust having someone else at the wheel? The reasons that keep you from letting your man drive the car are the same reasons that hinder you from submitting to him.
Arguments/Concerns:
I am fully prepared for the fact that some of you (many of you?) might have some very valid concerns & questions so here are a few that I anticipated.
My /boyfriend/husband is not a believer or is weak in his faith, should I still submit?
1. If you are not yet married, do not get married...just yet anyways. The Bible is clear that we are not to unite with nonbelievers. How can you follow someone heading in the wrong direction? If you are already married then know that you are a reflection of Jesus to him & he might come to faith because of your example.
2 Corinthians 6:14 '14 Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?
1 Corinthians 7: 12-16 'If a Christian man[c] has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[d] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy.15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife[e] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[f] to live in peace.) 16 Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?'
2. Should you submit to his authority (non believer)? This is a good place for a sound judgement call. I would say that if you are married & your husband is a non believer but is a good husband sit down then cautiously embrace his leadership. Men will often rise to the challenge if they know we need them. They have an innate need to be needed, to be a hero. Your husband might rise to the calling of leadership & then because of your righteous example find faith.
3. Should you submit to his authority (new believer)? YES! Your husband has a heart for the Lord, even if it is a new faith, it is a growing faith. Encourage that growth, not by reading scripture to him or lecturing on great nuances of the faith, but by letting him lead. Ask him to pray over meals, before bedtime. Bring a scripture to him & ask him to help you understand it. Brag about what a good man he is, how he motivates you (publicly). These little acts of "needing him" or having him take charge will strengthen his confidence & will foster a desire to grow spiritually...he'll know you are counting on him.
My husband is timid & doesn't lead, what do I do?
My first question is do you give him an opportunity to lead, & my second question is do you argue/balk/whine when he does? If he knows that conflict arises every time he makes a decision, then he won't decide. If he knows that you "know it all" then he won't try to guide you. Begin to display an attitude of submission. Sit down with your husband and apologize for the times & ways in which you have disrespected him, robbed him of his authority. Commit to both him & yourself to try to begin having a submissive heart. Encourage him to be the leader of the family, assure him of your need for his guidance. Watch & see what happens. It may take time, but I know from experience that he will rise to the occasion (if he is a believer). Remember he is hardwired to fill this role, he has the heart of a hero!
It's not in my nature to submit. I'm not a meek person. I'm a take charge, perfectionist kind of girl!
1. If your nature says to oppose authority (the authority of a godly man), then you are operating under a nature of rebellion, a sinful nature. Examine your heart & scripture, release the old nature & embrace the new nature God has created for you!
Romans 8:6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.
Romans 8: 8 That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.
Galatians 5:17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.
Galations 5:24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.
Ephesians 4:22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.
Colossians 3:10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.
2. I am a take charge, perfectionist kind of girl too! Believe me, I am OCD to a fault! That being said it has been a hard process of learning to let go of my compulsions & to yield to John's leadership or ways of doing things. I still fail, but I try. There are areas of our life in which my take-charge personality is a good thing. It results in a well run, well kept home. It helps me to train up, disciple, & discipline our daughters. It makes me a decent writer. It is helping me to embark on helping lead Sunday School. Channeled in the right way that can be a positive asset, the same is true for you. Problems arise when we let that personality trait disrespect & demasculinate our husbands. If it is an issue that would result in that, tamp down the urge to do it "your way".
Sisters, I know this is a touchy subject. Women would likely burn their pastors at the stake if they tried to preach it from the pulpit. I am coming to you as one who has learned this concept the hard way, & as one who has benefited greatly from it. I come to you having searched scriptures, prayed ardently, & having made the leap from arrogant to submissive. I am going to post Part 3 with scriptural references to this topic as well as some other messages to read if you are interested in doing so. If you have questions please ask them. If you want help, I will walk through this journey with you. It is worth the effort! You can message me privately on Facebook or comment anonymously on here & I will endeavor to answer & guide to the best of my abilities. I challenge you to begin embracing a heart of submission. Women who have been through this journey & can affirm the fruits of this attitude please comment...not for my glory but for encouragement of women struggling in this area.
In Christ,
Brianne
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