'Likewise, tell the older women to behave the way people living a holy life should. They shouldn't be slanderers or slaves to excessive drinking. They should teach what is good, thus training the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to take good care of their homes and submit to their husbands. In this way, God's message will not be brought into disgrace.'
-Titus 2:3-5
Quality:
Love Their Children
Breakdown:
This was another one of those qualities that I read & arrogantly thought, 'Check! Got this one covered!" Well...I was wrong.
**Disclaimer: this post may bring some conviction, read with a ready heart**
I'm going to use 4 of the 5 Greek definitions for love that I previously used in the Titus 2 series post: Love Their Husbands. Here's a quick rundown of those:
Mania: an obsessive emotion to the point of insanity
Storge: Parental love, primal & fierce, derives from the lovee being wholly dependent upon the lover
Phileo: Friendship, evolves from being similar in personality, having common likes & dislikes, intimacy born out of sharing experiences
Agape: Freely given & selfless; lover gives wholly of herself to lovee, expecting nothing in return; defined as 'Love in Action', not based upon emotion as much as a conscious choice; Biblical Love.
What parent doesn't love their child? When first I read this Titus 2 list, that was the question that came to mind...and then Abba began speaking in that 'still small voice' of His. As I mulled over the quality of Love Their Children, conviction began to rise & awareness began to set in. We are a culture that Loves our children...extravagantly...perhaps to the point where that love resembles Mania. We're obsessed with our children. We live vicariously through them. We give them anything & everything they want...the second that they ask for it. We, as parents, do without in order that they might not. Credit card debt adds up, finances stretch tight so that they can have the newest Nikes or the latest iPod. We put our spouse low down on our totem pole because the children take precedence. Marriages are strained because parents have sacrificed their relationship for the 'family.' We want them to experience everything that we did not, & so we sign them up for this sport & that lesson...then find ourselves spinning in circles taking them to this practice & that recital. We sit back at the end of the day bone weary & stressed out...all in the name of 'love'. I would go so far as to say that our children have become an addiction in our lives...become idols that we worship. Initially when that thought embedded itself in my mind I thought it was extreme, but the more I pondered it the more I realized just how accurate it is. There is no doubt that we love our children, the problem perhaps is that we love them too much...or in the wrong way.
It's not uncommon for the American parent to be manic in terms of love for their children, obsessively worrying, fretting, pampering, spoiling, coddling, & protecting. Many relationships between parent & child are unhealthy, so strong is the attachment between the two...to the point of insanity as the definition of mania says. Picture that crazy mama hollering obscenities at the referee of a ball game, or the one who dresses in the same styles & boasts the same piercings as her teenage daughter...a little more than love is happening.
The love between parent & child begins as Storge. We are blessed with this little life that is wholly dependent upon us for survival...without us it would not exist & that creates a fierce primal emotion. As that little one grows up & becomes independent the emotion between the two evolves from Storge & becomes more Phileo in nature. Parent & child very naturally have similar personalities, common likes & dislikes, a mutual history...all of which inherently breeds a friendship. It is (or should be) a very natural & healthy transition, but our culture has also become preoccupied with Phileo (friendship) between parent & child. Parents desperately want their children to 'like' them. We want our kids to admire us, relate to us, open up to us, & to think of us as a 'friend'...so much so that rather than wait for the transition to occur naturally, we push for Phileo way too soon. Long before a child is emotionally, mentally, physically, & (most important) spiritually ready to be 'friend' to their parent, the evolution is already forcibly being made. Very often at an age when children most need boundaries, standards, expectations, & discipline they are instead receiving freedom, gossip, vanity, & peer pressure...from their mother (or father). Parents are so desperate to be 'liked' by their child that they hesitate to do anything that might hinder that emotion. They shield, protect, or bail out children from consequences, but expose them to violence, lust, & high-giving pleasures. Temper tantrums, fits, & puppy dog eyes cause parents to back down on their discipline. Whining, arguing, & cajoling cause parents to give in to demands. Excuses, guilt trips, & blame games result in parents lowering or even doing away with standards & expectations...all so that a child will 'like' her parent. Parental integrity is compromised at every turn because of a preoccupation with Phileo. The results are obvious...and heartbreaking. One look at the youth of today reveals the tragic consequences. This type of parenting (yielding to the petulant demands of a child) produces children who are selfish, entitled, demanding, & disrespectful...what's worse is that these children grow into narcissistic, lazy, self-centered, inconsiderate, callous adults. Perhaps the saddest thing of all is that parents are convinced that they are giving their children Agape love...everything mentioned above feels selfless to the parent...it feels like mom & dad are freely giving, expecting nothing in return...and that's the definition of Agape...isn't it?
Here's the truth, we must acknowledge it & be aware of the deception...that type of parenting is NOT Agape...indeed it just might be the antithesis of it. Consider the motive of one who parents in this way...why do they compromise their parenting integrity? Because they manically want their child's friendship...that is not selfless...it's selfish. Did that statement make you cringe? It did me, both when Abba laid it on my heart & when I wrote it just now. I considered deleting it, but the conviction remains...that is truth...a hard truth. We as believing parents (or future parents) are time& again are biblically admonished to take the raising of our children very, very seriously...we are called to Agape them. Agape in parenting very often looks like 'tough love'. The parent must not get caught up in the moment but must see the big picture. The goal of a godly parent is to 'train up' their children into righteous adulthood...we cannot do that if we compromise our standard of parenting. The Bible numerous times implores parents to instill godly wisdom, discipline, to give consequences, & uphold high expectations...all of which requires immense effort, a strong backbone, & a whole lot of faith, but doing so reaps great rewards. A godly parent is raising children who will one day be selfless, giving, compassionate, hardworking, thoughtful, & contributing adults. Standing firm during a temper tantrum, handing out consequences for poor choices, & saying 'No', yields that result. Agape parenting is keeping that end goal & big picture in mind...and loving them enough to parent them as they need not as they want.
I want to address another form of parenting that is perhaps a polar opposite, but still a Manic parenting style. As believing parents, very concerned with raising godly children in a heathen world, we can become obsessed with raising 'good' kids. We are terrified of losing our children to the pull of the secular world, & that fear causes us to parent harshly...to set unreachable expectations, & to discipline unjustly...this results in children who feel inadequate & incapable of living out the faith...and so they give up. This is no less harmful to children than Phileo Manic Parenting. This type of parenting also feels like Agape, but once again it is Not. Consider again the motive...why do they so rigidly & harshly parent? Out of concern for their child...or out of fear of how that child's failure will reflect upon them? The motive once again is not selfless but selfish in nature. It's ultimately not about the child, but about the parent. We must be cautious not to get caught up in that polar form of Mania. I recently came across a quote that struck me to the core, & that also speaks to this concept.
"Don't get so caught up in raising a good child that you forget you already have one."
Colossians 3:21
'Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
Relevant Scripture:
I usually post entire verses correlating to the topics, but on parenting there are many. I am going to list the passage & encourage you to look them up. If you do not have access to a Bible, visit www.biblegateway.com & simply search each one.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9, Deuteronomy 11:18-19, Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 20:11, Proverbs 22:6, Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 23:13-14, Proverbs 29:15, Proverbs 29:17, Ephesians 6:4, 1 Samuel 3:13, 1 Timothy 3:4-5
Application:
We must first be open & honest with ourselves about which category of parenting style we fall under. Some of us are Phileo Manic, wanting so desperately to be 'friends' with our children that we deny them godly parenting...others of us are Religious Manic, so fearful of failing to raise godly children that we harshly parent...still others have found the balance & already are Agape parenting. If we do not truthfully acknowledge where we are, we cannot determine how to proceed. The greatest starting point, regardless, is to dig into the Word & to discover Abba's vision for parenting.
Phileo Manic: Determine to put an end to your ways!
1. Restablish priorities: God, Spouse, Children, & etc. Don't allow your children to take precedence of your relationship with Abba & your husband (or wife)
2. Establish Expectations for your children...write out a list & post it for all to see if necessary. Make the standards biblical.
3. Establish Consequences...write out a list & post it if necessary. Make the discipline biblical.
4. Stand firm on Expecations & Consequences...don't be weakened by fits, tantrums, whining, cajoling, & puppy dog eyes....children desire boundaries, even if they don't realize it.
Religious Manic: Find the Balance!
1. Restablish motive: To train up a child in the way he should go, not because of the reflection upon you, but because that is your responsibility
2. Establish Expectations for your children...remember that your child is human. Make the standards attainable & biblical.
3. Establish Consequences...be certain that the punishment fits the crime. Unjust & overly harsh discipline will not yiled the desired result.
4. Learn to lighten up, have a sense of humor, & to enjoy the wonderful children you've been given!
The last thing I want to share with you is something that I am going to begin utilizing; a Biblical Discipline Chart. I will be printing this out & hanging this on my fridge. The chart lists a misbehavior, correlating scripture, & proper discipline measure. My plan is this, upon a misbehavior I will ask the child to sit down while I head over to the chart. I will use that time to regain composure, read the scripture pertaining to the violation, & to utilize an adequate consequence. Whatever your current parenting style, this will help provide a framework for godly parenting as it will make it easy for Phileo Manics to dish out consequences as well as reign in Religious Manics from punishing harshly. Here is the link to that chart:
http://www.raisingarrows.net/2009/09/ifthen-chart/
http://www.raisingarrows.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/If-Then-Chart.pdf
http://www.raisingarrows.net/2009/09/ifthen-chart/
http://www.raisingarrows.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/If-Then-Chart.pdf
May we begin to seek Abba in how to truly & righteously love our children. May we have the courage to admit where we are faulty, & to readjust our parenting tactics. May we reap the blessings of sweet little hugs, kisses, & giggles. Be Blessed!
Previous Titus 2 Series Posts:
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