-Titus 2:3-5
Quality:
Submit: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; to permit oneself to be subjected to something; to defer or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.
Other Translation Wording:
Adapting & Subordinating themselves to their husbands (AMP), submissive to their own husbands (ESV), to be subject to their husbands (NIV)
Breakdown:
The mere mention of the word, 'Submit' causes women to act like rabid dogs. The hair on the back of their neck bristles, they bare their teeth, they snarl, & to say that they are defensive is an understatement. I get it. I've been there. Before you continue reading this post, I'm asking you to leave any & all preconceived notions behind. As products of the feminist movement & skewed by the mindset they have indoctrinated us with, our understanding of Submission is about as far off base as can be. Understandably this is the quality that women struggle with the most, & certainly is one that they resent. I want to very clearly & biblically define what the principle of Submission is & what it is not....what it should be & what it should not be. I also want to address some very valid concerns that women have about the act of Submitting to their spouse.
Explanation of the biblical principle of Submission in Marriage:
-A man's willing choice to yield to Christ's authority in his life & in the lives of his family.
-A woman's willing choice to respect her husband's God-given authority to act as leader within their marriage & within the family unit.
-Christian Submission should stem from Agape (selfless love) & as such should be nothing to fear...because all parties are concerned with & act on behalf of the welfare of others.
*It's worth noting that Satan's downfall resulted as an unwillingness to submit to The Lord.
Deciphering Truth from Myths:
Myth: Submission is a sign of internal weakness.
Truth: Submission is a sign of internal strength.
Consider the definition of submission. Merriam-Webster's dictionary uses the terms, 'yield', 'permit, 'defer', & 'consent' to define the act of submitting. Each of those words indicates a conscious choice, a decision, & a willingness to follow. I can't help but think that a woman's conscious & willing choice to respect her husband's leadership is a reflection of immense strength & certainly not a sign of weakness! True submission cannot be forced...cannot be bullied into being...it is an attitude, & only we can determine our mindset. In any given situation it is vastly easier to react the way we want, how we want, & when we want rather than to wait upon the guindance of someone else. Restraining impulse, respecting the opinion of another, & acting out their wishes (instead of our own) is the epitome of strength.
Myth: Submission is a practice of inequality.
Truth: Submission is an acknowleding acceptance of differences.
I find it ironic that our culture (that places such importance upon 'tolerance' & 'acceptance' of people who are different) is determined to deny & eliminate any & every distinction between the sexes. Physically it's apparent that men & women are not the same. Biologically the genders differ in terms of hormones. Neurologically the brains function in vastly difference ways. Even psychological studies have confirmed that males & females are as different as night & day, yet we become offended when discrepencies are pointed out. It is futile & foolish to deny the existence of those differences...ridiculous to have generation after generation of women surpressing their innate nature. Submission is not a practice of inequality so much as an embracing of individuality. It's acknowledging that we are equal, but different. Submission provides a framework that encourages men & women to fill roles organic to their nature...and as a result both will thrive.
Myth: Submission is an act of oppression.
Truth: Submission is a gift of freedom.
The Feminist movement took the misfortune of a few & created an entire gender of victims...a wrong done to us merely by being born female. We've been brought up to believe that we are oppressed by a machoistic society, but sisters, very (VERY) few American women are slaves to anything. (I have however, seen quite a few men who appear to be bondmen to their overbearing wives). True submission doesn't paint a Cinderella Portrait...the conotation of this concept brings to mind images of being a maid to our man, but that's not the idea at all. Submission is an attitude. Remember that submitting is a choice, & choosing to respect your husband is in no way oppression...indeed if anything it is freeing. Do you ever grow overwhelmed by wearing 100 hats (wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, coach, maid, plumber, contractor, accountant, electrician, & etc.) & trying to wear them perfectly? Do you ever get tired of being everything to everyone constantly? Do you feel burdened...as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Submission provides some freedom from all of that. By allowing your spouse to lead & govern certain responsibilities (scripture allots clear roles to men), you get to take off some of those hats that add to your stress...hats that belong on your husband's head in the first place...and there is freedom in giving up the reins. This was one myth that I truly bought into & was astounded by the freedom that I received when The Lord began to cultivate a submissive heart within me.
Myth: Submission is lopsided & gender exclusive.
Truth: Submission is a practice intended for & beneficial to both genders.
It is commonly thought that submission is a concept meant only for women, but in reality everyone (men, women, & children) have a responsibility to submit. Romans 13:1-7, Hebrews 13:17, Titus 3:1, & 1 Peter 2:13-25 speak to citizens' duty to defer to their government. 1 Peter 5:5 commissions younger people to submit to older people. 1 Corinthians 11:3 addresses men's responsibility to yield to Christ. Without the framework of submission, chaos would ensue. It would be the proverbial case of too many roosters in the hen house, or too many chiefs & not enough indians. For precisely the same reason, countries have governments & businesses have CEO's. Within the relm of marriage, submission is a blessing to both husband & wife. Women, who by their nurturing nature assume responsibility for anyone & anything, have a partner whom they can lean on...a strong shoulder to place some of that burden upon. Men, who innately yearn to be hero & protector, thrive because they are needed. Both benefit.
Concerns:
1. If my husband is not a believer or is young in faith, should I still submit?
1 Corinthians 7:12-16, encourages husbands or wives with nonbelieving spouses to stay in the marriage, & to love them in such a way that they might come to know Jesus through their example. If your husband is a nonbeliever & is a good man (not one who would ask you to sin), then I believe you should submit. Your willingness to respect his authority might very well spur him into leadership & in turn by your example he might come to know The Lord. In terms of your family, you will have to bear the weight of being the spiritual guide to your children until your husband comes to faith. If your husband is a new believer, by all means submit! A new faith is a growing faith. Encourage that growth, not by touting scriptures & chiding him about what he should be doing, but by letting him lead. Ask him to pray before meals & at bedtime. Bring a piece of scripture to him, & ask for his help in understanding it. Brag on the wonderful man that he is (publicly). These little acts of 'needing him' & putting faith in his abilities will increase his confidence & foster his desire to continue growing spiritually. He will know that you are counting on him...and that you believe he is capable of leading your family.
2. My husband is timid & doesn't want to lead. What do I do?
Of course he's timid & doesn't want to lead! Generations of women have berated & walked all over men who try to take the reins...& as a result men are now more prone to follow rather than lead. Both genders need to clear out the old mindset & to learn the new. If you desire for your husband to be the leader of the family, then you have to step back & leave a void that needs filled. If you step in & take command, then there is no reason (or room) for him to take charge. Do you give your husband opportunities to lead? Do you ask for his opinions, advice, & input? Do you ask for his help? (not just the nitty gritty gross task you don't want to do, but to help in something that you feel he could do a better job at than you could) When he does step up & lead, how do you react? Do you argue/whine/balk/nag about his decisions? If your husband knows that conflict arises each time he takes initiative, then he will cease doing so. If you are a 'know it all', then he will not attempt to guide you. Commit to developing an attitude of submission. Sit down with your husband & humbly apologize for the times & ways in which you have disrespected him, robbed him of his authority. Encourage him to be the leader of the family, assure him of your need for his guidance. After that, bite your tongue, clench your fists, sit back, & let him lead. It may take time, but he will rise to the occasion. Remember, he is hardwired to fill this role! God has given him the heart of a hero!
3. It's not in my nature to submit. I'm a take charge, perfectionist person, how do I let him lead?
By sheer willpower. If the pursuit of righteousness & the desire to be a godly woman is strong enough within you, you will dig deep for the strength it takes to submit. Trust me, I know. I am an OCD perfectionist who wants things done the right way (my way). It was very hard for me to relinquish control & to allow my husband to take the helm. Time & again I have hurt, embarassed, & degraded my husband with my compulsive need to be in command. After nearly 7 years of trying to learn this principle of submission, I only just now feel like I am conquering the beast of feminism. There are certainly areas of our lives in which my take charge nature is a blessing. It results in a well run home, the ability to train up our daughters, & to write this blog. Channeled in the right way my boldness is an asset, but untempered it results in disrespecting & demasculating my husband...that's wrong. In any situation that would cause your husband to feel 'unmanly' tamp down on your urge to take charge...give him the opportunity to do so.
4. After a lifetime of being told to be a strong independent woman, how do I begin to submit?
Acknowledge first & foremost that a submissive nature is what God wants for you. Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Corinthians 14:34, 1 Peter 3:5-6, & Colossians 3:18 cover the topic of submission in marriage...pour over them & pray. Ask The Lord to begin removing the old mindset & instilling His vision within you. Have an open & honest conversation with your husband. Convey a desire for him to lead. Ask his thoughts on areas in which he would like to take charge. I encourage you to have him cite a couple of situations in which he has felt as though you did not need/respect his authority...don't get defensive! We need to hear our husbands say that they want to lead, & part of that is acknowledging that we do not let them. There are 2 tactics towards beginning to practice submission: baby steps or giant leaps. You can begin to cultivate your submissive nature in small steps...tiny incremental acts of respect (such as letting him drive when you travel together). You can leap headlong into submission with a giant leap...defer to him as often as possible, make utterly clear that he is the head of your household (get his green light before making decisions). I can promise you that either tactic will reap great rewards...for both of you.
Submission is a touchy subject, & it's ideology goes against the grain...but it is a quality that Abba desires for us to possess, & when done right it is an immense blessing! I truly believe that a great deal of strife within families can be rememdied by developing a submissive heart. If you are interested in learning more & going deeper, I have several other posts written about this topic (just search for submission at the right of this page). Be Blessed!
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