If you are anything like me, the foremost desire of your heart is to be loved. At a young age I began searching for it (love). From my early teens until the age of 21, I time & again had serious relationships. I can now admit that it was immature & even ungodly love, but at the time I did not think so. In fact in each relationship I felt certain that I had found ‘The One’, & quite obviously is that each & every time I was wrong. I left each encounter with a broken heart, a deep sense of failure, & an utter lack of understanding about what God intended for romantic love. When I was 18 I was so certain that I had found love that I became engaged to my high school sweetheart. He was charming, handsome, respectful, & everything I thought a husband should be except for one thing. He was not a man after God’s heart. Oh, he believed in the Lord, but he did not pursue Him. Sister, when the Bible speaks of being unequally yoked, I firmly believe it extends even to this. There is a stark difference between believing & pursuing. 6 months before my wedding day, God confronted me with this truth. Our relationship ended, & I made a commitment to stop searching for love. I vowed not to pursue it until God hit me over the head with it (He did, & that’s another story I’ll share in another letter). I, for the first time, truly allowed the Lord to be the lover of my heart & of my soul, & I was (still am) fulfilled in that love. I tell you this personal history of mine to lead in to the topic of this letter: Courtship vs. Dating.
These 2 words are in no way interchangeable, although many people try to use them that way. I grew up with & experienced a dating mentality before I made my vow to the Lord. I want to define that practice & share with you it’s downfalls. Dating is when a guy & a girl acknowledge feelings beyond friendship & spend time “getting to know” each other. This may at times be done in group settings but most often occurs one-on-one. It continues for an indefinite amount of time & has 1 of 2 outcomes: the couple eventually agrees to some level of commitment, or they part ways. Our society, & more specifically Satan, has ran wild with this ritual. Growing up we are convinced that we must begin sorting through our prospects. They would have us believe that we must experience many before you can know ‘the one’. Here is the danger, just as in my situation dating leads to intimacy (even if it’s only emotional). I offered my heart many times, & the truth is I did not see it for the gift it truly was. I determined early on that I would practice abstinence, & I upheld that vow. When I finally met my true soulmate, I was devastated to discover that I regretted even the hands I had held…the kisses I’d given away so carelessly. Those small acts of affection, of intimacy, are a gift for he who holds your heart for a lifetime, not those that hold if for a moment. The manner is which dating is done, alone or in private, is a recipe for disaster. It is hard to maintain physical boundaries when no one is around to hold you accountable. The best of intentions are thrown to the wind in the midst of passion. Another pitfall is the casual manner in which dating is done. Some date multiple people at a time. As young women, we often begin giving our boyfriends the essence of who we are, our hearts, before we ever get anything in return. Our world has made this act laid back & mundane, so much so that it no longer has any value. What is the goal of dating? To be in a relationship, then to get engaged, maybe possibly marry? Satan has encouraged this ritual because more than it leads to love it leads to an unhealthy self-image & to broken hearts. It destroys the essence of what God is about, Agape love (marriage love), selfless love. We date because everyone our age does. I cannot believe that our Father intended for his precious daughters to fall in & out of love at random time & again. So what’s the alternative?
Courtship. After being burned by my own continuous mistakes & finally seeking God’s heart on the matter, I came to understand that Courtship is the way to find a godly love. First let me define it. Courtship is when a guy & a girl acknowledge feelings beyond friendship & begin spending time together with the intention of marriage. The very decision ‘to court’ is a commitment in & of itself. Before a couple enters in to this they should already know much about each other. Pursuit of the Lord, values, hopes for the future, character, & etc. should be understood & in sync for both. It is different from dating, there is no “getting to know eachother”. Individuals who enter into courtship should already feel strongly that God is guiding them towards a lifelong commitment. Books & messages on the topic put courtship on a rough timeline. A typical courtship generally (not always) lasts a year or a little more. Here’s how a courtship looks: A couple make known to family & friends their intent. For around 3 mo. (give or take) the couple actively spends time together. This is rarely done completely alone, but within the company of parents, family, friends or a chaperone. The reason is to curb temptation & that there should be nothing to hide. The motive is pure. At the end of that time period the couple most often becomes engaged but can also parts ways. The engagement is short, usually 6-9 mo. Time enough to plan the wedding, prepare for the responsibilities of marriage, & to make plans for a home & provision. A year or slightly more after the courtship has begun, if God so wills it, a marriage takes place. This is not a schedule set in stone, but a rough guide by which to timeline events for several reasons. 1. Courtship has the intent of marriage. 2. When 2 people are in love it is only right & normal for passion to spark, short engagement helps the couple to abstain.
Are you ready to court? How do you know? Knowing what I know now I would say that unless you are prepared to be married there is no sense in courting. Do not tease nor tempt yourself. There is nothing to be gained from prematurely entering into intimacy physical or emotional. Talk to your parents. I hope that you choose to court vs. date. If you do, discuss their hopes for your courtship. Learn how to manage a household, cook, clean, offer to baby-sit to aid in learning how to mother, manage your finances or ask your parents to teach you to budget. Temper your flaws & study how to become a Proverbs 31 woman. Be open with them & ask them to let you know when they feel that you are ready. Pray & find fulfillment in the Lord without the love of a man. I believe God does not desire us to be alone, but I also believe that HE will bring the man to you, you won’t have to look. The Bible speaks precious little about dating/courtship, but what it does speak about is marriage…that is God’s heart. He desires it for us so that we might understand how He loves us.
I close with this, my life is an example of what not to do, but it is also a display of God’s grace. The Lord gave me the perfect love story when I started letting Him write it. Share your heart with me about this topic. Your mistakes, your questions, your arguments. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Be Blessed Dear Sister,
Bri Davidson
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