One of my first childhood memories is a tragic one. Vivid in my mind is the picture of my kindergarten aged self, holding my mom's hand while approaching a casket. Inside the casket lay a very young, emaciated woman.To this day I do not know that woman's name, I only know her story. She was the daughter of my bus driver, & she had lost the battle with an eating disorder. I remember hearing my mom & my grandma say that when this young woman was around 12 or so, a boy on the bus called her "chubby" & so it began. Almost certainly this hurtful encounter was merely the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak...I am sure that numerous other emotions & circumstances also led this young woman in a downwards spiral that is an eating disorder.
Little did I know at that time that Anorexia would become familiar to me, but before I delve into that I must provide a little background. I had a wonderful childhood with amazing parents. My mom & dad are the kind of parents most kids dream of. My dad was hands-on & a big kid himself. He loved to play with us & take us on adventures. My mom was the sweetest, most caring, compassionate, & available mom. She was always open & willing to share & talk to me. She's the kind of mom that has cookies waiting on you when you get home from school, & who only has to look at you to know that something's wrong. It was not many years after my sad trip to the funeral home that I noticed that despite how wonderful my parents were with me & my siblings that they were people with lives & troubles of their own. My mom is a gorgeous woman. She has flawless ivory skin, beautiful eyes that change colors, high cheek bones...basically she has all the attributes that I only wish I had. I cannot say precisely when I realized that my mom was tiny, & I mean super tiny. I think I was in 4th grade when my dad sat me & my siblings down to tell us that my mom was sick & that if she didn't start getting better soon then she might have to go away for awhile. To me, at that age, sick meant the flu or cancer...I had no idea that sick meant self-starvation or eating & purging. To this day I do not know if anyone sat me down & explained what anorexia was or if I learned about it at school & then put 2 & 2 together. Over a period of time it dawned on me that mom never ate the fantastic meals she fixed, or that as I lay in my bed (the bathroom & my room shared a wall) that the sound of vomiting wasn't because of the flu. I suddenly realized that my mom was sickly thin, thin enough that she could wear my clothes, the clothes of a 12 year old. I noticed as I hugged her that I could wrap my arms around twice if I wanted to. The more aware I became the more I noticed that what had once seemed normal to my innocent self, now looked desperately unhealthy. In the years that followed my mom has undergone a roller coaster ride of bouts of starvation & times of health. I remember times of begging her to eat.. I remember trying to distract her or divert her from the bathroom if she did happen to take a bite or two.I remember seeing her effortlessly putting on a size zero & still thinking that was too big. There were times I feared not having my mom with me on my wedding day, or seeing her hold her grandchildren.
As soon as my mom realized that I was aware of her condition, she began a very open, honest, & heartfelt dialogue with me. She began to explain to me what an eating disorder was, & she began to explain to me why she suffered with one. My mom is a perfectionist, & she is driven to be so. I do not know the specific events that led to her anorexia/ bulimia, but I do know that at a young age my mom had heartache & blamed herself for the mistakes of others. Mom took those things as a sign of her imperfection & needed to take the reins & have control of something...& that something that manifested itself in an eating disorder. My mom was quick to see that I too had perfectionist tendencies, that I too struggled with feeling unworthy & inadequate, & she began to consciously teach me how to deal with failure, how to see my worth. She was transparent about the hardships she faced & the results of her eating disorder. (I want to pause here to thank my mom for this. I wholeheartedly believe that I might have followed the same path had she not been so honest & open. Thank you, Momma).
As a teenager I became very aware of my appearance & there fore my weight. I am of muscular build & asa result the number on the scale was larger than I thought it should be. On top of that I was a gymnast & a cheerleader so my muscles presented a bulky look rather than the long willowy look I desired. All throughout this time I kept in mind my mom's guidance & admonishment to not allow my mindset to create the problem for me that it had for her. One scarred memory is of being scouted by a prestigious college to join their cheer squad only to discover a secret weight limit of 95lbs. Luckily an injury took the decision out of my hands, but it still scares me to think the thoughts that went through my mind about how to lose the 5lbs necessary to be a part of that team. Even now as I struggle to lose baby weight & to feel attractive again, unhealthy thoughts flit through my mind, but daily I remember my mom's story, I see the repercussions of succumbing to an eating disorder, & I remember that I am made in the Lord's image. Scripture tells us that we are to offer our bodies as a temple to the Lord. He deserves far more than an emaciated shell. I choose to be a healthy and holy (holy as I can be anyways) offering to the Lord, & through that choice He has given me the strength time & again to see within myself the beauty that He sees.
For over 30 years my mom has struggled on & off to conquer this disease. I have seen her nearly on death's door, & I have seen her at the height of health. I am happy & proud to say that as of now my mom is winning the battle. She is the healthiest & looks the best I have ever seen her look, but the years of starvation & of purging have taken their toll. My mom now suffers from a weak heart & has had to undergo extensive work on her teeth due to erosion from purging. I am ever thankful for the beat of her heart & for God's protection & preservation of her life. I am ever conscious of the gift that she is as I watch her nurture & love my daughters.
I know that distorted body image & discontent with appearance is an epidemic among women. I know that whether we act upon those emotions or merely think about them that they wreak havoc in our lives & create a chasm in our relationship with the Lord. We cannot fully be who He desires us to be if we hate what He created. More than anything I want to spare my daughters, & to spare you from feeling the pressure to achieve the world's version of beauty be it cosmetic or physically. Through thick or thin you have a Father who delights in you...who created you just for His enjoyment. You are a princess of the King of Kings, you are above the world's shallow perceptions & expectations. You are a gift & a treasure. I pray that the Lord will begin to touch your heart & to allow you to see yourself in this light.
*I want to thank my mom for allowing her story to be shared. It is her sincere wish that her story might spare others from walking the path that she has. If anyone struggles with an eating disorder or even only with self-deprecating thoughts please feel free to reach out to myself if you so desire.
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